Just read my ist blog and it seems i may not have been too clear about things. Firstly my suicidal thoughts arent because my benifits are being took away, although it dont help matters. Things have been tough to deal with, a week last Tuesday was my 33rd birthday, and i spent it like everyother day a lone at home. I got a card from my sister which made me smile, a text from my mum again making me smile. Anyway, its getting to the point where i dont belive il ever get better, im all over the shop sometimes. Sometimes it results in my self-pity moods, but im also fighting the urge to do drugs, something iv packed up. You see illegal drugs, Ecstasy was how i dealt with myself. It gave me confidence, i could talk to everyone and anyone i was who i wanted to be without the drugs. Il point out the drugs havnt caused my issues, i first had counciling when i was 16 for panic attacks. I was ridiculled for it, i was seen as mad, no one understood let alone me understanding things. Dealing with my mental health is harder now, because im 33 i should be doing things like every other bloke my age is doing. Going to work, finding a partner and having children. Going to watch Cricket and my beloved Nottingham Forest Fc. But im sat at home watching the world past me by. Thats the frustration im feeling, so my thoughts do start becoming a problem. I wonder if people would even bother attending my funeral, would it matter if i wasnt here, then on the other hand iv been a christian for sometime and suicide is seen has a sin. Its this a lone that stops me from doing it. So at the moment all it is is thoughts, i just hope things get better in the future i have some hope, its not been beaten out of me totally. Hope this makes sense. Kevin.

Hello World

Iv struggled with some bad thoughts today, deep down i dont want to die, these thoughts were in my head from the minute i woke up. I had had a bad dreams, i only remembered some of it.. Id really like to talk to some1 about it, my doctor is great she trys so hard to get me help but, has she puts it im not a danger to the public so im not a priorty for help. This does worry me because my benifits are changing, and my DLA is coming to the end im allowed it for, i have to reclaim for it, when i got it i had support people helping me to get it now im on my own. The furthist iv been from my flat in 3years is half a mile. Its down to my condition, agrophobia. I feel safe and well at home, when i do go out i get very self concious, i sweat alot, and people notice me getting into a state i get some awful looks. So i limit the times a go out, i put xtra food in my friends freezer so i dont have to shop to often. The only other times i go out is to the chemist to fetch my meds. I cant remember the last time i went out just to have fun. This means im a lone most the time at home, leaving me to talk and listen to myself which isnt good. I have a twitter account but i dont talk reality with them, i talk about other things. If my good mates think im wired and mad then God knows what strangers think of me. So all my thoughts are left to bury temselves further into myself