Crikey it's been a while

I shouldn't really leave it this long, Iv decided I'm going to write more of my blogs with my true honest self. Iv always feared writing a blog has it exactly is for me from day to day. Il take this week to start with, everyday has been exactly the same right down to the time I have my dinner & tea to when I go to sleep well I say sleep if I don't sleep properly soon I fear I will need a padded cell. Unfortunately Iv ran out of my meds again but because I just don't go anywhere Iv not seen my Doc in months & months. She hasn't phoned to see why Iv not been & Iv not phoned so Iv kinda decided maybe med free might be the way to go for a while. Past 15 years on the things haven't made my life less dark, less painful at times, you know hearing a paticular song from when life seemed like life when I was doing something close to what normal people do everyday, but it's then I can't control things, I'm not ashamed to tell you Iv cried a lot on those nightseeking come close to a few silly thoughts of ways to stop the hurting when it gets pretty bad the fear I will never see & do things everyone should be doing like watching cricket & football but more important to me & yes this may sound soppy or not manly but I want to feel loved by that someone special. I guess that's what we all want at the end of the day but I will say way before that ever happens it's down to me to start loving myself again & that's going to be tough if my situation doesn't improve lots. It's that time of year where things like this start to annoy me, but il point out from the off I choose to be alone over Xmas I prefer it that way there's nothing more I absolutely hate is seeing my family see me the way I am I feel ever so pathetic & I know that's my bag but it's me that's feeling it which upsets me so I do all things humanly possible to avoid those feelings I much prefer to spend the evening talking bollocks & having a laugh on Twitter that way nobody sees the in between except me & God. Hey writing this is lifting a bit of the weight, talking to (if anyone does actually ever read my blogs)really does do something. There's so much sadness in this world at the minute so promise me you will at least once do a nice turn for those you love we never know what's around the corner. I'm not going to leave it so long again I don't think that way I don't hoard all the negative stuff in my head constantly you never know I may become a normal cuckoo ☺ Peace to u all from @Kev_One77 ✌